Дурак

День было как обычно. Listened to a lot of ‘Desafio,’ off Arca’s new album. There were just four people in the dance class today, and then Sam showed up halfway through. I was stoked to get more one-on-one with the teacher; she’s ridiculously attractive, but I noticed a ring on her finger for the first time. Not that I’d have a chance anyway, obviously, but it kinda ruins the fantasy.

Had an intense conversation in Retch today. My head was killing me. I’ve been sick for at least a month and a half now, and it’s getting very old. I was snippy with her for constantly interrupting me and I fucked up my summary of this article she had us read. Somehow Calvin brought up psychological problems (he’s always saying the most obnoxious, unrelated stuff) and the prof went off for like fifteen minutes or so about how unnecessary psychoanalysis is. I didn’t catch all of it, but I got a decent amount. She brought up WWII, of course, and how her entire family, along with so many others in the Soviet Union, was directly and violently affected, and about how they never talked about it. That’s just the way it was, she said. They didn’t dwell on their wounds in the Soviet Union. There were too many of them, it would hold you back. Better to live while you had life. Friends would support each other, but one should move on from tragedy. So much of life is pain, best to focus on the beauty. The Russian perspective condensed into one rant. I was pretty transfixed.

I find it hard to apply to my own life, though. Maybe it’s because I have so much trouble reaching out to friends and family for help that it doesn’t really feel like an option for processing my problems. I’ve been thinking about seeing a therapist when I get back home. I tried sophomore year, you might remember, when I was stressing about that fucking half-thesis thing. Saw a counselor twice and then she bailed on the school. I meant to go back, but the semester was ending soon and then I never got around to it. Might as well use that resource while I have it, though. I’m definitely gonna go back next year.

Speaking of school, tried to pick classes today. I forgot to register when it opened two days ago, as per usual. Also as per usual, it only brought up more problems to be dealt with that I put off. I might have to take Micro this summer. Fucking 8 am and it’s $2,650. God damn it. I haven’t heard back from NPR or the Parks Service about those internships, so that’s a bittersweet silver lining. Probably won’t have to choose between an awesome internship and being able to take the economics classes that I need this fall, all of which have Micro as a prerequisite. I hate planning for the future. It never fails to bum me out.

Set up a coffee date with this 29-year-old Russian chick I met at a Georgian restaurant last Thursday. Could be fun. Judging by my track record with Russians this semester I’m sure it’ll end up being nothing. That’s the right attitude to take with these kinds of things, right?

Whatever happens I’ll write about it. Or so I hope.

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